You Don’t Know What You Want… Until Someone Else Wants It First

The most dangerous influence in your life isn’t force… it’s imitation

Let’s start with something uncomfortable.

Most of what you think you want…
isn’t actually yours.

It was borrowed.

Picked up somewhere along the way.
From a post.
A person.
A group.
A feed.

And you didn’t even notice it happening.

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There’s an old idea that explains this better than most modern psychology.

It comes from a thinker named René Girard.

His core insight?

We don’t just copy behavior…

We copy desire.

Not just what people do…
but what they want.

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Think about that for a second.

You don’t suddenly wake up wanting van life, crypto, a side hustle, or a minimalist office.

You see someone else wanting it first.

Then it quietly becomes your idea.

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Here’s where it gets dangerous.

Once your basic needs are met…

You don’t naturally know what to want next.

So you look sideways.

At other people.

At the crowd.

At the feed.

And without realizing it…
you start aligning.

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Social media didn’t create this problem.

It weaponized it.

It turned human imitation into a 24/7 feedback loop.

You’re not addicted to your phone.

You’re addicted to watching what other people want…

…and adjusting yourself accordingly.

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Now layer in something even trickier.

You don’t just want to fit in.

You also want to stand out.

That tension never goes away.

You want to belong…
but not disappear.

You want to be unique…
but not alone.

So you end up doing this weird dance…

• Copy… but tweak

• Follow… but personalize

• Blend in… but signal difference

And most of it is happening below your awareness.

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Put people in a tight group… same goals, same identity, same environment…
and this effect goes into overdrive.

You stop seeing yourself clearly.

You start becoming a reflection of the group.

Not because you’re weak…

Because you’re human.

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So here’s the real question…

How do you stay yourself…
without isolating yourself?

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There are a few ways to fight back.

Nothing fancy.

Just practical.

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1. Add friction where everything feels automatic

Imitation thrives on speed.

Fast reactions.
Instant replies.
No pause.

So slow it down.

Create resistance.

Even something small works…

• Don’t reply immediately

• Step away from the feed

• Wait before reacting

That tiny gap?

That’s where your actual thinking lives.

---

2. Tell the truth… especially when it’s inconvenient

Lies spread because they’re easy to copy.

Truth doesn’t spread as fast.

It requires someone to break the pattern.

To say something that doesn’t echo the room.

Even one honest sentence can interrupt the momentum.

That’s power.

---

3. Anchor yourself to something real

Imitation thrives in abstraction.

Online opinions.
Group identity.
Trends.

But real life?

That cuts through the noise fast.

Responsibility.
Relationships.
People who actually matter.

That’s where clarity shows up.

---

There’s a famous photo from 1936.

A crowd of people all doing the same thing…

and one guy refusing.

No performance.
No audience awareness.

Just a quiet “no.”

That’s rare.

Not because people don’t see what’s happening…

But because going against the current feels wrong when everyone else is moving the same way.

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Here’s the kicker.

You don’t need to fight every crowd.

You just need to notice when you’ve disappeared inside one.

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Because the biggest risk isn’t being wrong.

It’s not even being manipulated.

It’s waking up one day and realizing…

you’ve been living someone else’s script.

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The Recap…

Most people think they’re choosing their path.

They’re not.

They’re absorbing it.

From the crowd.
From the feed.
From each other.

The real skill?

Not “finding your tribe.”

Knowing when to step back from it.

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The Gut-Punch…

If you never question what you want…

there’s a good chance it was never yours to begin with.

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Source credit:

Based on ideas from Luke Burgis’ talk on mimetic desire and the work of René Girard

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